Since when does soccer and RPGs mix?

So I confess, I don't know why or how but somehow, I managed to forget writing a blog article about this recent NES-A-Thon stream... oopsie. Ah well... better late than never right? I'll make sure these NES games are talked about. Because oh boy... these are some... "good" ones...

Starting with game 1 of the night. Rush'n Attack... yep... that's the name alright... you rush... and you attack. And you press up to jump okay why? But hey... the game is exactly what it sounds like. You rush and attack! Who are we attacking? I don't know. I didn't read the sappy backstory. But hey... I got a sick ass rocket launcher! Now I'm invincible! Okay maybe not. All of a sudden this jumping dude comes out of nowhere and throws me the fuck off. Now that's not very nice now is it? These guys are brutal. Damn Russ... er... uh... next game. Star Trek - The Next Generation! I'm familiar with the show. I haven't watched it a whole lot. But I'm familiar with it. But I guess not familiar with it enough to understand what the fuck I am doing here. I'm raising and lowering shields? I'm speaking to the crew members? I am activating weapons?... I think? Now I'm flying through rings? I am somehow closer to Earth? Holy shit how much did I miss of The Next Generation? I sure hope the next generation of life on this failure of a planet called Earth doesn't have to play this... whatever the fuck game. Perhaps Tecmo Cup - Soccer Game won't be a familiar. I mean it's a soccer game. What could go wrong? Answer... fucking everything. It has a very RPG like feel. Especially when I come across enemy players. And quite frankly, I had no idea what the fuck I was doing. Especially when I was in control of the ball, I thought all I had to do was mash left and right because my dude up top looked to be moving forward... BUT... that wasn't the case. If I had seen the minimap below, I would've seen that I was just shifting... left and right. Like a dumbass. And my defense? I don't know. I was just selecting random ass actions hoping they would work... I mean... the enemy didn't score so maybe they did! Though I didn't score either. So I guess their random ass defense also worked.

Answer me this... what the fuck is a Faxanadu? I mean it is a Hudson Soft game... maybe it'll be good? Question Mark? Eh... no not really. It's some medieval game and you are this... dude... who comes into the kingdom and it seems to be deserted. Apparently I have to go see the king. Not before this weird ass alien pops up that is jumping all over the place. I can't seem to get past it or even attack it. And I just die a horrible death. When I respawn, I meet up with this... other dude who gives me a ring that will identify me. The Ring of Elf... uh... thanks? And then there's this very pink couple. The lady tells me to listen to people and then I'll get trustrated if I just walk around. And then she walks around herself... can I trustrate her? The man says the dwarfs are robbing the elves money and jewelry. Ain't that a shame? If only they invented safes back in the 1800s. No I still can't attack the alien. There's many services and shops around. But... I'm broke as fuck so none of them are helpful to me. I meet up with the king who says disaster has befallen them... now I would help but... I'm out of time for that game and I have to move to the next so... sorry king... maybe next time? Godzilla - Monster of Monsters is next! Now this sounds fun!... er... uh... nevermind... it's a fucking board game apparently. I seemingly have no damn clue what I am doing or how to move my pieces. Eventually I figure it out. Move my Mothra piece down and suddenly I'm in an actual level! How about that? Of course there's several weapons trying to take me down. But I just fly over them and I am solid! And now it's time to fight Gezora!... uh... okay maybe not. Eventually that fucker pins me to the corner and I can't do a damn thing. And... I guess I fail? Maybe? I don't know but I am back to the board game portion. I try it again. I'm able to get a few more hits on it. But once again... I am just randomly dumped back to the board game portion. I try as Godzilla this time and... okay so Mothra was better. Trying to traverse the level as Godzilla was... painfully slow.

Next up, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade! Didn't I play an Indiana Jones game before? And... Indiana Jones looked nothing like Indiana Jones? It's been a while. Well I admit this Indiana Jones looks more like Indiana Jones. Also there was an option to turn the music off. Because we all know Indiana Jones in real life wouldn't just have music blasting in his ears. So anyways, I find myself in an underground cave. With falling spikes and these tribe looking dudes. I don't think they're happy that I'm in their cave. One of them looks like he's supposed to be in a business meeting. And is equally as unhappy to see me. Dude packs a punch. A much stronger punch than mine. It doesn't take long before I'm dead. I die a lot actually. And even when I survive a bit longer, something else kills me like a falling spike. Eventually I do make it further. Especially thanks to a health boost. Very convenient! It's like the developers knew that this section of the first level was hard as hell. Overall, it's more running through the caves and knocking down businessmen who try to take me down and failing to jump from rope to rope and dying a horrible death. That's as far as I made it there. I guess this really was his last crusade. Widget is next. What's a Widget? Like those... old Windows Vista and 7 desktop... wait no those were Gadgets. Widget... is a fever dream. You are this smurf looking dude taking down big ass bugs and small ass alligators. You can't jump on them. You spit orbs at them. And flying bugs that come straight at you and you really have no fucking protection from them. Unless you're on level with them. Oh yeah jumpscare warning there are these worms that pop out the ground. Which of course caught me off guard. I could get past the 2nd but when it came to the 3rd, even though I was ready, it knocked me right off the platform and made me die a horrible death. I do eventually make it past those devious worms. And now I have to take on smol alligator. Not before it takes me out first. The smol alligators are a bit stronger... as in... they take 6 hits to defeat.

It looks like once I enter the tube, I'm off to the next level. And right off the bat it's infested with ghosts. How spoopy. Though I don't know if they are ghosts because I could kill them. A couple more big bugs stand in my way. I don't know if there's a way to get past them without getting hit at least once. It's not a very optimal fighting area space wise. My path ultimately ends with another fight with a smol alligator. And I think I am convinced that dudes HP resets once it goes off screen. Sure I could try to fight it with it on screen at all times. But then I'd probably die to its attacks. Alright smol alligator. You win. Now here's a game I'm sure you've heard of. A Nightmare on Elm Street. And yeah... it's a nightmare alright. In a sense where... it's easy to just jump over the enemies... and then hit a dead end at the far right of the screen. Fuck I hate it when that happens. Although shortly after, things become... spoopy... And the bats, zombies, wolves, snakes, and ground spikes become horrific. Is this the nightmare part? I guess so. Although I ain't really scared. And out of nowhere I am dumped into a fight with Freddy Fazbear... er... uh... just Freddy. He just kind of jumps around and slashes you. And I defeat him. Boy people were scared of this loser? What chumps. Magic Johnson's Fast Break is next. You guessed it. It's a Basketball game! An actual Basketball game! Not like the soccer game with RPG mechanics. It's just... Basketball! HUZZAH! And you know me... I am... a huge rookie! And you know me... I am a MASTER when I play on the easiest difficulty... okay well I lost 24-18... but you need to give me credit. I was only a rookie. My only complaint? I couldn't play as Detroit. I guess one can imagine right? Last but not least... Monster Truck Rally! OH HELL YEAH! THIS IS GONNA BE SICK! THAT MONSTER TRUCK ON THE TITLE SCREEN LOOKS AWESOME! HERE WE G-... er... uh... they... they're regular... regular trucks... with... shitty ass controls... and... uh... a confusing ass speed system... and... er... ah... um...

...I want my money back.