top of page

Still not an air fighter.

  • Writer: V
    V
  • Sep 20
  • 5 min read

10 more games for the NES-A-Thon. No not total. Just for this session. But I won't have a lot of these left. Thank goodness. Trust me it'll be worth it once it's all over.


First game of the night was Sky Kid. You're a kid. You're in the sky. You're fighting enemies in the sky and on the ground and... well I don't think this kid is equipped to be a fighter just yet. Especially if your whole fucking ride explodes once you touch the damn ground. Cool World was next. You ride down from a tornado and you are this OG James Bond looking dude traversing a city fully of chipmunk mafia trying to take you down. And I'm sorry no city needs 50 fucking clubs. Unless the population here is like 700 trillion. You get an eraser power and bomb power... well... one use of each. And a pen that... you don't have. So there's not much attacking. It's just trying to survive and bounce on the ground. Yeah it's one of those games where if you press up before you land on the ground, it'll register a frame perfect jump. Just look out for the black cars. They punch like a truck. Even if you survive them though, there's not much more to go as there's a dead end on the far right of the area. Hate it when that happens. At least Donkey Kong Jr. doesn't have confusing dead ends. Albeit I was pretty bad at letting DK Junior save his father. A lot of very avoidable deaths. I could make it past the 1st level with all those vines. But once I get to the 2nd level, trying to grab those small little drippy ropes felt impossible to grab. And before I know it, it's game over. Sorry Donkey Kong. Looks like you're stuck with Mario. Back in the air with Flight of the Intruder. Yeah it's another first person pilot shooter game. I just go shooty shooty bang bang and hope I take down the enemies between the light blue and dark blue zones. Oh I'm sorry I meant sky and water. The NES can only make things so realistic. Let's go a bit higher. A lot higher. So high that were in space and going... "To the Earth". I didn't realize it at first, but it's a zapper game! It's been a while since I've played a zapper game. Either way... this should be easy!... well... it's easy for the most part. It's more the starting ships and the bombs that are hard to take care of. They just move so fucking fast. You can't react fast enough before they hit you and take your ship down. I can't fight as a kid... I can't fight above water... I can't fight in space. Seriously do not hire me to be your air fighter.


I need something easier. How about Wheel of Fortune - Junior Edition? Yeah that sounds like a good idea! Of course I am so damn good at this game that I challenge myself against the hardest juniors. What could go wrong? Answer... everything. On the first puzzle, the moment I get a letter wrong, it's game over for me. Scott The Woz... er... uh... just Scott just knows every fucking letter in the puzzle and solves it. What a damn cheater! I shall crush them this next round! And that's exactly what I do! Give me some hugs and kisses and $2,500 to my name! Alright. Fun time over. Now it's on to Xenophobe. I have to clear a base full of alien species before it self destructs. I pick my good friend Mr. Food... oh... wait... no... Mr. Fogg to get the job done! There's feline aliens, ceiling aliens, small bug aliens, floating... uh... table tennis paddle alien? I guess they are aliens. I guess I never realized that this base is circular because I soon realize I just looped around. But out of nowhere... one of the rooms I reenter... changes? And introduces this new... snot blob alien? Gross. It's pretty hard to attack it. It's either too high or too low. I can't shoot that high and I can't squat down and shoot. Oh and then the game goes full fucking seizure alert and... oh I won! I cleared the base of the Xenos! HUZZAH! My work here is done! And it's time to check out The Last Ninja!... more like the last ninja with the worst controls in the world. It's one of those 3D angle games. But with that makes it feel like up is left, down is right, left is up, right is down. I hate it. Doesn't help that there's this dude I have to take care of while figuring out the perspective and angle and controls. It's a miracle I could tahe the dude down once. Oh but then he comes back to life. Just my luck. Though it seems like the 2nd time I take him down, he's down for good. Now what do I do? Well there's this white button I can press. after running around for what felt like 10 hours, I remembered I could just... exit the room to reveal a hole has opened in the starting area. Apparently you can leave this lower level by stepping back on the giant square. Let's not do that again and instead get out into the world to beat up whoever I see. This Ninja spares nobody.


Next up is Maniac Mansion. And yeah after all these NES games I sure do feel like a maniac. It's one of those point and click NES games. With 30 trillion action options. It takes me 4 and a half of my 5 minutes to realize there's a key to the mansion under the door mat. I spent all that time trying to dig out of the mailbox. All that to be useless. So now I am inside the mansion and... it's on to Bases Loaded 3 to end the night. You guessed it. It's a Baseball game. One with a watch mode! Thank goodness. I love watch modes. Ironically I manage to select Atlanta and Detroit as the 2 teams to play. Given that the Braves and Tigers have been playing. And you know I want to give Detroit every chance to win! So I give Atlanta their worst starting pitcher and Detroit their best. I mean dude has an ERA less than 1! This should be easy! No score after the first 2 innings. Atlanta gets some guys on bases but can only get 1 run. No matter! Though Detroit doesn't respond in the bottom of the 3rd. It's alright. Lots of game to go. All we have to do is not... Detroit gives up 3 runs in the top of the 4th... well... shit. No runs for Detroit in bottom 4th and none for Atlanta in top 5th. Finally Detroit gets on the board with a solo home run in the bottom of the 5th! Alright now our offense is cooking! Well... that's all it cooked for. The pitching kept Atlanta at 4. But Atlanta's pitching kept Detroit at 1. This wasn't just an NES game... it was an accurate representation of the fucking collapse the real Detroit Tigers are going through.


Damn Bases Loaded 3. No need to rub it in. It's painful enough as it.

Comments

Rated 0 out of 5 stars.
No ratings yet

Add a rating
bottom of page