Annnd it's gone.

Deep in The Land of Zaron is where the Kupa Keep humans fight the Drow Elves of Larnion. The Grand Wizard is the one that can protect the citizens and get those damn elves away. But they won't give up until they get... the stick of truth... one stick so powerful that it can control the universe...

Orrr it's a fucking tree branch that Cartman found and is now roleplaying as a wizard and is having his friends play along. Yep I'm playing South Park: The Stick of Truth. We begin our journey by creating my character. The new kid. Seems like he and his family moved to South Park. Why? Well according to Mr. Dad... "They won't look for him here."... should I be worried? Whatever the reason, seems like our kid is... a little shy. Once alone, I explore around the room. Seems like the toy chest is my storage. Inside a bag in my closet is 50 cents and a baseball card. Items also hold value to them. I find 10 more cents in the bathroom drawer. And in the cupboard is an old sponge and rusty pipe. Yes you can take a shit in the toilet. Yes you can dig the shit out. That's fucking gross. After all that I need a shower. So I need to make some friends. Not before finding $1.50 and a surfer wig in the garage upper level. So Butters is fighting off an elf. Wow. So... (yawn)... so threatening. So I beat up the elf... so... so hard to do... not really... Butters and I become friends. My first friend! HUZZAH! Finally I meet with the Wizard King... or... Cartman. I can turn off and on the TV in his living room. That's funny. Oh did I mention this game loves to break the 4th wall? Try talking to Cartman's mom. He won't let you. So I am introduced to the cardboard land of Kupa Keep. Complete with weapon shop of cardboard weapons and a cardboard stable with a very fierce but not really looking kitty! Oh and there's Kenny the princess. Hey I ain't judging. Neither should you. If he wants to be a princess, let him be a princess dammit! I pick up a Daffodil which I can give to Princess Kenny. After that... oh yeah I need to introduce myself! Of course I am the great and powerful V... oh no sorry apparently I am a douchebag. Well fuck you too Cartman. Anyways, it's a roleplay game so I need to choose a class. Fighter, Mage, Thief, or Jew. Well I got to defend the land right? Based on Cartman's descriptions of the classes, I am a fighter. I visit Clyde for a weapon. The only one I can get really is the Warrior's Blade. Once I get my weapon equipped, I am tasked with... beating up... Clyde? Uh... okay sure it's Cartman's rules I guess. It does give me a good taste of what it's like to use my sword.

I am taught things like basic hits, power hits, defending, and PP... hehe... pp... (ahem)... PP abilities. Like Assault and Battery. Which... I fail miserably at. I guess I am bat at hitting ball with bat. Nonetheless I am still able to claim victory! With that I am granted access to the tent. Which holds the one... the only... the SACRED... fucking... tree branch... oh sorry the STICK OF TRUTH! But it's not long before the elves find us. And they want that tree branch. Clyde is on stick defending duty while I fight off the elves. Here I am also taught how to counterattack. Oh and don't try to attack one who is riposting. That doesn't work. Not with a sword. I can attack the archer with my arrows... if... I was fucking paying attention... oh yeah I also figure out the ball and bat. After enough fighting, the rest of the alive elves scramble and retreat. WOO-HOO VICTORY IS OUR... the stick is gone. (inhale)... GOD FUCKING DAMMIT CLYDE YOU HAD ONE GOD DAMN JOB AND YOU FUCKED US OVER YOU ARE FIRED!... sorry just had to get that out of my system. So now it's up to me to recruit some warriors. Token, Tweek, and Craig. But it won't be easy. There are still elves out there. Without help and advice from Cartman, I'll need the help of Butters to assist me in these battles. I claim victory in a couple of which before finding Craig's house. Albeit all for nothing because Craig is fucking grounded. Alright... on to the next warrior! There's a couple places I visit along the way like Unplanned Parenthood and Photo-Dojo. Oh yeah I also run into Al Gore because... sure. Apparently he believes South Park is dealing with a case of Manbearpig. And needs me to put sensors in specific places. Ah... I see where this is going. This game is actually "South Park: The shit loads of side quests." Anyways, I can find Tweek in his coffee shop. All pure local coffee! Tweek himself can be found in the employees only room and holy fuck he is hyped up. Of course it's not easy with him either. But if I get his package for him, then he'll come and help. OH BOY ANOTHER SIDE QUEST! HUZZAH! XD! So I have to go to Kenny's house... not... accompanied by Kenny? But a bunch of meth crackheads. And because they don't recognize me, they think I am a cop and now want to beat my ass. Now here's our real fucking threats.

But at the same time you have to remember... they're meth heads. Their rusted pipes and toilet plungers are no match for our abilities. Despite Butters getting knocked out, I revive him and we finish the job and pick up the package for Tweek. Oh I get it. This coffee shop gets local coffee from meth heads to get it for as little as possible and to charge for as much as possible. Fucking genius and how is that not a crime at all? Wait... is that why Tweek is so... oh... fuck they mix drugs into the coffee don't they? So Tweek is like 6 years old and he is hopped on drugs.

The way I see it, he won't make it past 17.