Ghouls and Gods

Oh my goodness a game that fucking works and a far better game too! SpongeBob SquarePants: Titans of the Tide. I don't really watch the show anymore. But I still got respect for the series. Hence why I had also picked up The Cosmic Shake. Which I am sure I will also play at some point. For now let's see what kind of whacky shenanigans our yellow squishy dude gets into this time.

So after I get my initial setup done, we see that... the Krusty Krab is having a half price day? I'm sorry... WHAT? Has Mr. Krabs lost his fucking mind? No fucking way he is that dumb to actually be giving half off prices of his food to his customers. But before we open, I am tasked with cleaning the tables. Easy. But got to be fast, those customers are getting impatient. After that, I got to go talk to Squidward. Apparently he is miserable he couldn't live his life. As if I asked. But anyways, I grab the fresh ingredients from the upstairs and it's time to grill them patties! But uh oh! Things aren't going as planned! You could say the restaurant gets a... HAUNTING visit. Yes... the ol' flying dutchman has come in for uh... some reason or another. But just as he has the chance to do something, in come King Neptune! Oh maybe that's why Krabs was doing a half off special. But the Flying Dutchman isn't too happy about King Neptune just taking the spotlight. In a fit of rage, Dutchman ends up turning a chunk of the customers and also SpongeBob into haunting ghosts. Spooky. And Neptune gets the hell out of there before he himself gets hurt. That is what we call Neptune, being a scared ass. So a massive nuke goes off in the sea... apparently... or it's just the devs wanting to just throw in a mushroom cloud gag. But anyways, now we play as Patrick. Apparently Dutchman did a little sea remodeling and now the Krusty Krab is just floating in the air. In my path to the restaurant I also run into some smaller ghosts. And they are definitely not friendly. At least they're easy to take down as I am also taught the burrow ability. Which is helpful for me collecting coins buried in the sand. The sea is definitely infested with these ghosts as I must work to take them down one by one until I meet up with Karen, Plankton's computer wife. Apparently she has no idea where he is and... well reluctantly tasks Patrick with looking for him. I guess Patrick is Karen's only option. So that's what I shall do. And also free some other sea citizens Of course Plankton was on the center piece. I should've known. The one with the big rock on it. Thankfully Patrick is... well... dumb and really only focuses on just eating at the Krusty Krab. Couldn't give a shit if Plankton wants the formula.

So there are these bomb barrels I can use to blow up the big rocks. And eventually I get myself up to the Krusty Krab. But uh oh! I don't think Patrick will be eating there any time soon. Damn place is ENGULFED in flames! And there's a big Grand Slammer in my way. He is definitely not friendly whatsofuckingever. But easy to take down and kill... wait... how do you kill a ghost? Patrick is helped dragged up into a Krusty Ship. But doesn't recognize his own friend... until SpongeBob pulls out the BFF ring which... I don't know is the only time we've ever seen that from the secret box episode? Touching them together swaps SpongeBob and Patrick in terms of their lives. Now SpongeBob is alive and Patrick is the ghost. And of course they goof off and have fun with that power. Anyways, Mr. Krabs wants to turn this Dutchman hunting journey into profits... why wouldn't he? But first I must destroy the ballasts. And at this point I am like... what the fuck am I doing? I mean I see 4 giant bags floating around. Are those the ballasts? I don't know because I can't seem to destroy them. Though it's during this confusion I find out that this is definitely not a kids game. Not with their fucking XXX Flour. I think these developers love hiding dirty secrets in their SpongeBob games. Eventually I find out that I am supposed to take the bomb barrels and throw them at the bags. Oh so obvious. And then after that I can visit Pearl and buy what Mr. Krabs likes to call... a workie talkie. It's like a walkie talkie but for... work. When I visit Mr. Krabs, he senses the scent of gold. Meaning the Flying Dutchman is near on Goldfish Island. Here, I am taught a new mechanic for SpongeBob... well... kind of. The little tutorial window never fully appeared on screen so I had to guess the fucking button combination for the Karate Kick. It's A and Y by the way. On Switch controller at least. Anyways, we meet with Captain Goldie. Ms... Captain Goldie. She confirms the existence of gold here. But SpongeBob and Patrick have to prove themselves worthy. Until then, the entrance to the jungle is closed. Now Krabs has to wait? Oh the HUMANITY! Maybe he can spend some time with Pearl. He did promise they'd spend father-daughter time after all. On this... one star rated island. But be assured there is still gold here. That's what matters.

So the island lighthouse is busted and Goldie wants us to fix it. No problemo. If that's what it takes to prove ourselves, then that lighthouse will be good as new! And uh... okay here's my bad rub with this game. Did the developers even WATCH the fucking show? Clearly not because they should know that Sandy always... ALWAYS wears her fucking suit whenever she's not in her dome. Here, they slapped a fucking helmet on her head and said... yeah... that's good. Yeah that's going to bother me for a very long time. I'll distract myself with a ride on the ghostboard. So I fix up the lighthouse and it's shining bright now! And we're given the for... er... key into the jungle. The... (ahem)... "haunted" jungle. Once in, I get a new ability with Patrick that lets me grapple things. Which is helpful so I can move through here and just casually walk past the so beyond fake ass ghosts. Wow. I'm shitting my pants. But... all fun and games come to an end when we come across a real ghost. Ol' Boomer. Which... I made seem tougher than needed to fucking be. I mean seriously all I needed to do was be patient and carefully watch as the fucker chucks its damn bombs at me. So we get the jungle opened and finally find the gold! HUZZAH "OCEAN MAN, TAKE ME BY THE HAND LEAD ME TO THE"... it's... fake... the gold... is fake... I suppose now is a good time as ever to start planning a burial spot for Gold-oh wait... Mr. Krabs still senses gold out there. Alas we'll have to seek it out next time.

Yes sorry Mr. Krabs. You have to wait some more. OH THE HUMANITY!