It's not a video game.

Finally I get a break from the horror game market. I think Mr. Wheel decided to be a little nice to me and give me a very... VERY lighthearted game in High On Life.... or uh... Buck Thunder II Xenoslaughter? Am I sure I clicked the right game?

Well I guess I push on anyway. I'm joined by Phil, my divorce attorney... okay a little weird of a side partner but... sure. Just like many other games, I am familiarized with the controls, moving my camera, jumping, double jumping... wait no shit there is no double jumping in this game. But I can crouch though! Once I make it through the vents, I use left click to fire my blaster and defeat the enemies that come my way until I reach the main gauntlet where they all wait for me. One by one I blast them all to bits. It's quit e the adrenaline rush... but suddenly as I am trying to take my ex-wife's enemies down... or maybe all the enemies are my ex-wife... to hell if I know but... looks like there's a little immersion breaker when someone begins knocking on my door. The camera begins to slowly zoom out... literally the camera pointed at my monitor displaying the game. But I play on and blast away each ex-wife until I literally can't play it anymore. So I guess my sister is pissed I never said goodbye to my parents before they left for their trip. Like... sorry? But there are more important things at hand here. Besides with us in control of the house, I guess my sister is throwing a big party in it... oh and she's snorting coke too... I don't think she knows any more responsibility as I do. Looks like her little coke platter is also my character selector. So I pick my guy to represent myself. My room is definitely one of your stereotypical teenage boy. All the posters and miscellaneous wall decor. So I guess my sister was secretly put in charge of taking care of the house. Like I'm sorry but I'm not the one snorting the damn coke. Anyways, a note was left on the fridge for me by my mom. I guess my parents just wish I was a better son. And that I would better follow my sister, Lizzie. So they want me to do drugs too? Though I don't think they know about Lizzie's secret. So I meet with her outside for us to pick up party supplies. Just a simple mundane task. What could go wrong? Well some random ass base could suddenly pop into the neighborhood, revealing these weird ass aliens from inside. I don't know about you but I don't think you see that every day. And they're not friendly. One of the aliens that... I don't know I want to assume is the leader? Just literally consumes a poor old man whole... fucking... ew...

Without having a damn clue what they're saying, eventually they disappear. But one of their little friends was left behind. They had been carrying this weird looking alien gun... that also talks... in also a foreign language. How am I supposed to know what it's saying? Also this fucker spit some weird green mucus on me. Fuck I am going to be sick. At least though I can understand what it's saying. I pull this chip from under it. I don't know what it did but I guess our gun dude here didn't like it. He introduces himself as Kenny and tells me to essentially listen to him and only him. If I do, I have a good shot at survival. So these... G3's... if that's how I understand it... have infested the neighborhood and I need to blast them away before everyone is turned here to drugs... yeah actually I think that's a good idea. Lizzie would go fucking crazy if she had access to that many damn drugs. Too bad I can't shoot Lizzie. I can only do the alien scum of the streets. Once I get the chance, I infiltrate one of the bases here, take out the scum in there, and grab a warp drive crystal. Once I have a chance to make it back home after taking out a few dozen scum, we find that Lizzie herself had a little... fun beating up one of these guys. I mean seriously she fucking looks like she just got done blasting 50 thousand fucking zombies. So I connect the warp drive to the microwave because... well it needs microwave power. As it powers up, that same alien leader dude that ate the old man whole comes up on the television. Warning that any attempts at fighting would be futile... right... and apparently we are property now of the G3-Cartel... also... right... but we've successfully been warped now to Blim City. A big alien city located right in outer space itself. So I'm looking for this Gene Zaroothian dude. He's a famous bounty hunter from what it sounds like. But no matter who we talk to, seems like they want fucking nothing to do with us. What are these aliens humanist? But finding him actually that hard. He was quite literally what... like a few fucking 10 feet away from us? And... oh boy looks like he's had better days. Guess he just lost his home and now he's on the streets. Damn.

Gene wants nothing to do with helping me... until he sees my house and suddenly he's like... "Oh yeah I'll help you!". He offers me a bounty hunting suit... in return that he gets to live in my house... yeah I don't know how Lizzie would feel about that. So I take the suit and put it on. It seems nice... but it doesn't have a proper activation license installed... bro seriously? I do have an activation ticket though I can turn into a pawn shop. Oh yeah the suit has one of those annoying ass virtual assistants built in. I guess at least Suit-O helps me learn how to use the suit. Like scanning the area which reveals waypoints for where I need to go. Admittedly that will come in handy. Not handy are all the spam pop-ups. Free shit's gotta make money somehow right? So I make it to Mr. Keeps pawn shop... somehow... these damn pop-ups are getting annoying fast. Once Mr. Keeps' son convinces his father to give me the license key, all the pop-ups go away and my suit is fully activated! Hell yeah! Not hell yeah though is not being able to get rid of Suit-O. Anyways, I check out all the cool shit Mr. Keeps keeps in his shop. Though doesn't seem like he's interested in selling any of it. I guess he'd rather have the cool shit rather than just getting money. I guess his name is Mr. Keeps for a reason. So I make it back home and... huh... I guess Gene has already made himself comfortable. Alrighty then! I guess Gene doesn't understand human ages. Either way, before we start hunting down the really bad guys, Gene takes us on a test run. A small bounty to collect. An individual by the name of 9-Torg in the Slums. I guess she took Gene's favorite knife and wants us to retrieve it back for him. While I am able to take the bounty, the machine in question isn't able to open a portal to her. So now what? Well the bounty in question is nearby anyway so it's not so bad. I just have to deal with slum security... of course they don't make it easy. So what do they do? They uh... make me choose which of the 2 guards I would rather date... I guess I have to remember these dudes are aliens. Well that was random to all hell but the door is eventually opened for me and I can head on through to the Slums. Not before shooting a poor little alien kid... fuck I could do that? That's fucking brutal.

Once I reach the Slums, I have to take down a couple security drones and then I can keep on going where I then meet the mother of the alien child I shot. Seems like Kenny has revoked my privilege to shoot whoever I want. I guess he wants to teach me a lesson on good morals. But I guess shooting that kid wasn't too bad. The mother said he was 30 years old anyway... though question is... how old can these aliens live up to? And do they age slower than humans do? The mother said she warned her son several times. Especially about calling strangers fresh meat. But I guess the child had a death wish anyway... fuck that's still so damn brutal. Anyways, I take down some... uh... (ahem)... Ant Goons that try to take me down for invading their Slums, But the practice I gained from playing Buck Thunder II Xenoslaughter helped me not die to death here. Once I took down the Goons, I spoke with a local fisherman for information. Like about the 9-Torg. About how the 9 means it's the 9th clone of a Torg. Seems like the Torgs don't exactly like each other. But Mr. Fisherman here points me to the direction of a laundromat which will help my journey to get to the 9-Torg. On my ride to said laundromat, I am taught about Kenny's Glob Shot which can knock down platforms so I can continue moving across. I also learn not to touch the damn sludge below me. That shit is deadly. But once I do that and take down more goons, I hit the laundromat. Seems like there's a couple dudes selling Gene's knife. And it's my job to collect it. Just got to play the part of a buyer to collect this oh fuck it talks. And it's not a very pleasant talker. So I pick up... Knifey... yes that is his name. And just a little... stab stab stab on these bug dudes and get the hell out of... uh... how the hell do I get the hell out of here. Well turns out Knifey ain't just a knife, But he's also a grappling hook. As long as what I am attaching to is magnetic. Or if it's a hookbug... and no I can't shoot them. After finding out where I'm going, I am introduced to Lugloxes. Also know as loot boxes. Oh goodie now it's an FPS game. XD! There's an alien dude in the area who's really insistent on giving me his treasure. Also known as another luglox. Do the contents of these things help me in the long run? I guess we'll find out... eventually...

After finding my way... and busting down more goons, I feed Kenny some... Gatterall which refills his globs. More goons to squash before my fight with 9-Torg. Is she the hardest to go against? Not really? I'm able to weaken her pretty easily. No matter how intense her attack seem. She'll try to fill the arena with sludge. But I can use hookbugs to keep myself safely in the air until it's safe to land back on the ground. Oh she has a laser attack? That's cute. I blast 9-Torg and use my glob shots to take her down. She tries one final desperate mega laser. But I still put up the final blow before Knifey takes... a sample... Anyways, 5-Torg is brought down to thank me for taking down her evil clone. But just to be safe... I still kill 5-Torg anyway. On my way back home, one random ass goon to fight. As if that dude thought they had a chance. So I make it home and... oh... looks like our front door lock had a bit of an upgrade. Gene must've done that during my adventure. Lizzie said Gene did indeed install them because he thought I would be dead during my adventure. Wow... thanks for the fucking confidence dude. Anyways, Knifey is just so damn impatient to get a stab out of Gene. I could choose not to but... fuck it. I think Gene's been douchey enough to deserve a little poke. But seems like he heals up pretty quickly. So that's... good? Anyways, I turn in the 9-Torg bounty and get some dough out of it! So Gene tasks me to buy off a dodge unit from the pawn shop... yeah uh... boy I don't know how easy that'll be... given Mr. Keeps hates selling shit. But anyways that's where I sign it off for the night. What a damn weird game this is. But it was developed by Squanch Games. The same who made Trover Saves the Universe and also Accounting+... still waiting for the day when we find a zoo level. XD! But that's the least of our worries. The bigger worry is...

How will my parents think when they realize their house is just... gone?