Can't beat them all the time.

Welp... that fucking sucked. The Lions... favored by what... 8? 9 and a half points? Essentially the heavy favorite by every fucking body to beat the Vikings and the Lions just could not do it. Oh of course NOW JJ McCarthy looked good. Maybe he had a little comfort playing back home in Michigan.

Of course as per usual, the Lions started off extremely hot. The Lions ran right down the fucking field like the Vikings defense was made of jelly. Despite having 4th down on the Vikings 40, Dan Campbell pulls out big balls mode early and just takes the shot and LaPorta gets a clean forty fucking yard touchdown to put the Lions up early 7-0! Who else needs receiving yards at the end of the day? So now Minnesota is on offense. Just as a reminder last year when Minnesota came to Detroit, the Vikings put up all of 9 points. 3 field goals. Did the Lions defense have that same energy this go around? Absolutely not. Despite the Vikings having 3rd and 9 at the Lions 24, McCarthy would throw a 14 yard bullet to Aaron Jones to convert and then on the next play everyone's fucking favorite Justin (the only reason why the vikings are still relevant) Jefferson gets a 10 yard touchdown to even the score. Hey... that's fine. It's whatever. The Vikings defense looked like butt ass against the Chargers. I'm sure the Lions offense would be just fine. A short 2 yard run for Monty... eh... and then a loss of 2 yards for Gibbs... a 5 yard False Start on LaPorta... another loss of 2 yards for Jamo... annnnd a punt. Well that drive didn't go nearly as good. Maybe now that the defense is warmed they can-noooooope. That Lions defense looked as good as a little Cheerio that sat in the milk for 5 days and T.J. Hockenson, the former Lion gets the Vikings go ahead touchdown. Well shit it's 14-7 Vikings. NOT A GOOD START LIONS! Lions back on offense and it takes no fucking time at all for Goff to get sacked for a loss of 6. At least Gibbs gets the lost yards back plus 1. But it's still 3rd and 9. No matter, St. Brown will pick up an easy 19 yard pass. Holy fuck he caught a ball in this economy? Unfortunately the drive just kind of dies there. Gibbs with a 4 yard run, an incomplete pass, and then Goff is sacked again for 10 more yards. I don't think Detroit will go for it on 4th and 16 from their own 44. Miraculously, Detroit remembers how to defense and 3 and out's Minnesota! Especially thanks to a sack from Derrick Barnes! The Lions on offense once again look... slow. At least they had good field position starting right into Vikings territory.

No huge plays maybe other than 13 yard pass to Monty and 9 more to St. Brown. Oh and need I mention that 13 yard pass being a fucking miracle? It's astounding how Goff avoided a sack plus Monty avoiding a tackle. Both potentially losing yards for Detroit. Hmmm maybe now Minnesota is back to being ass on defense. 2nd and 1 at the Vikings 2? Oh this will be easy!... 0 yard run for Monty... incomplete pass... and it's 4th and 1. And my heart is now beating at 300 BPM. But all is well. As long as Skipper reports as eligible, then Monty can score a touchdown no problem! Of course Minnesota's offense isn't ass. Or maybe Detroit's defense is extreme ass. 2nd and 15? That was short lived. Give Jones a fucking 31 yard reception. The silver lining at least is that on 3rd and 9 from the lions 18, Jack Campbell sacks McCarthy for a BIG 14 yard loss. Of course Will Reichard has a fucking leg and nails a 50 yard field goal. Detroit goes fucking 3 and out on their next drive after failing to convert on 3rd and 4. On Minnesota's drive? Well I think the officials were just now waking up here. 3rd and 5? Nah... roughing the passer. I'm fucking sorry but Campbell tackled McCarthy the moment he threw the fucking ball. THE MILLISECOND! Say what you will. I thought that was a shit call. An interception from Thomas Harper? Lol nah. Amik Robertson can be penalized for Illegal Contact. So instead of 1st down Lions near mid field, now Minnesota gets a free chain movement. But I guess Minnesota can only get so cocky as for real there's a turnover as Terrion Arnold would get his first career interception! Of course the refs had to look at it just to be sure. I'll at least give it that it was close and they had to determine at that point who had clearer control of the ball. Whether that be Jalen Nailor or Arnold. And it was determined that Arnold had the clearer control! Did that mean Detroit did anything? Abso-fucking-lutely not. 3 and out again and Detroit punts the ball to which McCarthy would just take a knee to end the half. So... down by 3 at halftime... I guess it could be worse? Albeit... it could've been much better too. Minnesota unfortunately gets the ball to start the 2nd half. Not like they do anything though. All they can do is get to midfield and then punt.

And then Detroit punts a-fucking-gain. This is now 3 straight 3 and outs for Detroit. What the fuck is John Morton doing? Is he spinning a fucking wheel to decide what play to call? I guess Detroit's defense is playing a little better? Minnesota punts again after a huge successful challenge by Dan Campbell. Reversing an 11 yard reception for Jefferson declaring that it was actually an incomplete pass. Very quickly it's 3rd and 13. But hey! Monty is getting a good run going! Maybe for once in life the Lions will con-nope. The ball flies right the fuck out of Monty's hands, it's picked up by Minnesota, and 2 minutes later it's a 10 point game with as McCarthy would take the fucking ball himself and score. 3rd and fucking 8 mind you. I think at this point Detroit's offense is fucking numb. Goff is sacked again for an 8 yard loss. Though St. Brown gets a 15 yard reception to make it 3rd and it's fucking manageable. Brock Wright picks up 11 more yards. Jamo gets 13... guys I think Detroit's offense is cooking! Well... they were cooking. False Start on Wright, Holding on Ratledge, so now it's 2nd and 13. LaPorta would pick up 9 more yards. But it's still 3rd and 14. And so far Detroit's offense this year has not converted on 3rd down with 10 or more yards to go. Of course until now as Jamo would pick up fucking 18 yards and we're down to the Vikings 16! Okay! Back to cooking! Well... it was short lived. Incomplete pass, Gibbs with 4 yards, and Goff being sacked for a loss of 11. So much for 4 down territory. At least Bates' 41 yarder is good so... points are points. Oh and mind you thank fuck there was a penalty for holding on Minnesota as the kickoff was returned all the way for a touchdown. I was not ready for this to become a 31-17 Vikings game. Hutchinson gets in on the sacking fun by putting McCarthy down for a loss of 9, resulting in a punt. Alright now let's tie this game! No. Let's not. Despite converting a 4th and 2 and forcing Minnesota to jump on 4th and 5, a 5 yard penalty on 3rd and 9 plus Goff being sacked AGAIN to make it 4th and 23 essentially forces Detroit to take 3. Whatever... we can make it a 4 point game. NO OF COURSE WE CAN'T! Bates' kick is fucking blocked by Minnesota and taken all the way back to the Lions 26 yard line. Holy fuck this game is cursed. Everything that could go wrong for Detroit is going wrong!

I don't fucking know how but despite the fucking fact that Minnesota had 1st and Goal at the ONE... Jordan Mason would run for a loss of 1, McCarthy's pass to Jefferson is incomplete, McCarthy is sacked for no yardage loss, and Minnesota settles for 3. Well praise our fucking defense. But now it's a 10 point game with minutes left in the 4th. It's fucking desperation mode now. And in desperation mode, then Detroit's offense can fucking do something. 19 yards for St. Brown, another 8 yards too. The Lions for some reason take it to the 2 minute warning after calling a run play for 1 yard. I don't think the fans were thrilled about that. But... then Jameson Williams got a 37 yard touchdown. Originally ruled out of bounds at the 3. But after the replay, Jamo never went out of bounds and the touchdown was good! Wow I didn't know the Lions could do that! Now we just need to stop Minnesota. We can do that right? 3rd and 5. Surely Minnesota will just run, it'll be 4th down, they'll punt, we get the ball back, they don't fucking do that. Nailor gets a 16 yard reception and the game is over. Detroit calls their final timeout but it's too late. McCarthy takes the knee to end the game and the Lions take their first home loss of the season. Yeah that's not good. This was a game we shouldn't have lost. And I don't fucking know what happened to the Lions team we saw against the Buccaneers. They died. Now... there is one silver lining that came out of this game. That being Green Bay lost... to the fucking Carolina Panthers. Yeah that's depressing. And Detroit will play a Jayden Danielsless Commanders team next week. That should be an absolute win for Detroit. If the Lions lose to a beat to hell Commanders team that has looked like shit lately...

Then I give all Lions fans permission to spam the fucking panic button.